The 'Stakes'

So here’s the thing! I’m feeling an abject failure at my inability to lose weight and it’s not like I’ve only got a stone to lose...try 5. This should be relatively easy right. Sensible eating and exercise should do this. Only it’s not as easy, if it was there wouldn’t any fatties and we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

There is a load of head stuff going on that prevents, nay stops weight loss when it comes to me (actually a lot of overweight people will tell you there’s more going on that simply just eating too much). The only problem I have is that I don’t know what it is...the head stuff I mean.

I had an idyllic childhood, my parents were and still are the best people in the world, they have loved and supported me no matter what, they have never made me feel like I was anything but amazing. I grew up in a happy household, never had too much or too little, a village life that was straight from the pages of Enid Blyton. I had lots of friends, most of which I’m still friends with now...never bullied for being on the porky side, in fact I’ve never knowingly had any negativity towards me because of my weight (of course what said behind ones back....who cares!) but I still have this HUGE issue about weight. It’s painful to admit but it held me back from so much and still does.

I read somewhere that it helps to write down what you want from weight loss (a bit like the mental image from my last post) so I have thought about this for a few days and collected some thoughts together and prepared my ‘stakes’. Some are no brainers, some were more difficult to think about but I have to be honest about it. Writing this down makes it more real as opposed to just my mental thoughts in my head.

So here goes:

·         I want to be happy with photos taken of me. I spend 95% of my time untagging myself from FB photos (vain vain I know!)

·         I want to never worry about chairs with arms & airline belts

·         I would like to be able to put on tights without blacking out from the excursion! (This is pretty comic really, hoping round the bedroom on one leg....trapped!)

·         Three words – KNEE HIGH BOOTS, if only I could find some that fit my massive claves but tiny, tiny feet!

·         Another word  - Jeans. I want to look good in jeans, to be able to buy a pair that suits rather than ‘just fits’

·         I want to be in control of food

·         I want to stop feeling like a FAT person first and ME second in every situation

·         I want to stop walking past a shop window and thinking ‘blimey, hello lardy’ and realising its me – DOOM!

·         I want to improve my health and not to have a heart rate of 120 when all I’ve done is unloaded the washing machine (ok, slight exaggeration!)

·         I want to be confident – Not the fakey confidence I currently hide behind

·         (Arrgh hard one!) I want to start a new relationship. Single for 4 years since I was last slimmer in fact. I have become invisible!

·         Finally I want to stop thinking about being fat and losing weight constantly and kicking myself in the head when I fail!

Ok, so not pretty and I really think this stuff. Hideous....like I said, I have no idea where the self loathing comes from?

Still trying to get back on the diet track, the cold hasn’t helped but I know I REALLY want to do this.

Having dinner with the girls on Saturday eve. Main topic of conversation will be the upcoming wedding for L for whom I’m a bridesmaid. She has just announced her intention of a tone up (lucky cow.....not as if she even needs it! Ha) so I will fall on her mercy and suggest we do something together, I think I need an exercise director and she’s nothing if not pushy that one! The beast!!

Anyway......I have a half day so I’m off. Have a great weekend Pickles and sorry for the lack of funnies here. I just need to get it down.

xx

Normal Service Has Not Returned - YET!

Hey ho peeps

I have come to the conclusion that I started this diet as the world worst time., I have had the busiest 3 weeks where trying to stick to a diet has become increasingly difficult. As I explained in the last post about the booze point I think that things have conspired against me to help me pile those 6 pounds back on! For GODSAKE!

SO......start over time!!

I think really there are two issues in the mix here. One is the wine and one is the gym. One I do too much and one NOT AT ALL.....I am the laziest person I know. Preferring to finish work and if there's nowhere to be I'll be found nestling on the sofa with horsey blanket and Hugh Fernley Whittingstall (more often than not) on the box.

These are the times where I need a swift boot up the posterior in the direction of LA Fitness (Ohh....should I be mentioning corporate companies on here?? Mrs T...what was your conclusion?).

I know the routine. I leave the house with gym stuff in tow, he sits in the car all day willing me to take him out to play and at some point on the journey home I find an excuse not to go. This can range from 'oh the ironing...must finish that off' to 'I'll go see the parentals as I'm a terrible daughter who doesn't see them enough'. Both of which are a massive lies as Sundays are for ironing and parental visits....everyone knows that!

I need to find a cure for my laziness. In the past I have been advised to stick a 'fat' photo on the front door (inside...don't want to scare the postman!) so the last image I see is me looking abit ‘Jabba the Hut’ and therefore encouraging me to exercise BUT my hallway is incredibly dark and if I blink enough I can avoid looking at it entirely! So...not so great!

So what about the 'mental image' can I imagine what I’ll look like if I participate in the gym and actually lose some weight. Well, yes to a certain point. I've lost and gained the same 3 stone for the past 10 years so I know what I look like thinner and of course it’s better but for some reason, this time I'm finding that motivation harder and harder. Is this because now I'm in my early 30's (I know...I could pass for 21!! *cough*) and maybe just maybe I’m starting feel that it’s not all about how you look?

I need to do this for health reasons as much as vanity. I think as a younger dieter vanity played a much larger role in my desire to lose the lard. Do not misunderstand me, I would love nothing more than to breeze into Topshop and shout in a Julia Roberts style “big mistake.....HUGE!” about their inability to clothe me in my present condition but luckily I have Wallis, DP’s, NL and if it’s really bad....Marks and Sparks (not their classic collection I hasten to add!!). Actually after writing that....I have realised I do want to lose this weight to feel AND look better so vanity will be my friend....I shall embrace the shallowness of it all and get that ‘fat shot’ out and see if it helps.........Christ I need it.

So in conclusion as I fear I’m wittering....I’m lazy and vain........two of the best qualities known to man!! YEAY for me!

I will, once rid of the cold I’ve seemingly developed overnight get back on the wagon....get my sorry ass to the gym and start working that vanity (not actually in the gym of course where even Cleopatra would look a total dog) and emerge (hopeful after just one visit) a slim and beautiful being!

Onwards we go Pickles xx

The ‘Booze’ Issue

Things have been a little deficient on the exercise front this week........the only excuse I have is that one is a social butterfly and my people need me. *what a tool!*

M - was a delightful jaunt into Warwick for dinner and catch up.
T - my only free night and I get trapped at work, I got home around 9pm...perfect gym time!!
W - I was celebrating Queen T's birthday and I had to go drink wine (only one, driving) BTW she's amazing and she writes a very brilliant blog here read it...I command you!
T - I'm off to the glamorous surroundings of Daventry town visiting, chatting, gossiping. Huzzah!
F - the start of the weekend and I have the bint from the north descending on me....we're off to a uni reunion daaaawn saaaarf and I tell you now this will require le booze...but no wine, strictly old skool SU style cider!

On a serious note.....this boozing, it's got to stop. Almost every post I write is about my alcohol consumption and its only when I've written it down that I realise just how much of a government statistic I am. Hello my name is Kate and I’m a binge drinker.

I'm not a daily drinker by any means. I've probably drank more this week because of social engagements but it’s not usual....like next week for example, plan less (this means more time for't gym -  I WILL go!) but it’s the weekend excess that’s becoming more of a problem and only a problem for weight-loss...I mean, not my liver or anything...that’ll all be fine. I’m far more concerned with aesthetics...! I joke of course.

My plan is to have a dry November. October is crazy booked out so attempting a teetotal month is futile but November I have less alcohol related events to attend and this will be my control month. We’ll see what the total weight-loss over October is and compare to November and see how it differs. (my god....how scientific! *grabs lab coat and petri –dish*)

Obviously not drinking with boost any loss but will it be a significant amount enough to make me think that giving up the booze for good is the right thing to do. I mean this goes back to my original statement that this diet is for life and I needed to enjoy it right!?

So we’ll see.......in the mean time ‘cheers’!

Willcompletelyregretthisonsunday!!!

Anon pickles xx

Ahem *coughs* *whistles* and *whispers*....weigh in!!

Oh dear............2lbs on! Still, after the destruction of one’s body this weekend that is a bloomin miracle!

Still............back on board now and will be better next week! Brownie promises!

xx

Confessions!!

'Everything in moderation including moderation' said the wonderful, marvellous Julia Child and I have adhered to that motto ALL weekend.

I'm now sat wallowing in a sense of shame because I know when I step on those scales tomorrow morning I am not going to be happy with the result! I have four things to say........Damn my social life! (actually no....but for the purpose of this...bad social life!)

Ok Ok....let’s not get carried away with kicking oneself. Let’s just get it all out, get over it and move on.

It started with the wedding of my beautiful friends Sazzle and Hugh....and beautiful it was. A brief break in the torrential rain gave us the perfect wedding weather - we all had champagne to celebrate. The service went off without a hitch.....the vicar is an eccentric character typical of English village churches, slightly bonkers but also a delightful sense of humour as he suggested we all 'venture out to the churchyard and get to know each other', a wry smile and a slight eyebrow raise....I hope it wasn't just me that got the subtext of that one...Cheeky monkey!

Snap snap and the photos are done and we head off to the reception. Upon arrival we proceed straight for the wine and this....dear reader, this is where my resolve DISAPPEARS!!! We collect our drinks and set about catching up with friends, old and new, try to remain collected and look glamorous and by the time we're called into dinner we're 2 bottles down....good grief. (I have to add....it wasn’t just me drinking the wine, there were 2 other fools).

So we have the speeches....funny, a little emotional (the groom....could barely get his words out - sweet) and throughout we drink more champagne. We stand for about 45 toasts to the bride and groom, the bridesmaids and so on....more champagne. (I should also mention at this point....I am dreadful on champagne....we're talking REALLY drunk if I have too much! So far...I'm ok)

Dinner's next....it was a hot buffet so I'm thinking....this is good, I can pick carefully as low carb as poss. All the time pretending that alcohol is absolutely fine for weight loss!!

We get called through, we line up with our plates and I see it.......RICE, LASAGNE, POTATOES, FISHCAKES.....ok ok, no panic....I see salad. Salad I think..........this is not going to help me later when my entire system is awash with grape based drinks. So I opt for the fishcakes, salad and a small wholemeal roll (oh how I HEART bread).

Now..........as you are surely aware this is a pretty good choice only whilst we're having dinner I still seem to be drinking gallons of wine and by the time pudding comes around...........well frankly, all bets are off. Vanilla cheesecake with cream.....don't mind it I do.

The rest of the day passes in a haze of silly dancing and lots of laughing and .....more wine. When I finally get home I think....this is fine, I feel fine-ish, I will be fine....good night!

OH HOLY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The mother of all hell had broken lose in my head. It was so horrifying I had to lie still and try not to breathe in case it made any part of my head move.

Problem 1 - my water glass had somehow moved from my bedside drawers to the kitchen which is MILES away....well it is when you’re on the brink of death from hangover! I knew I had to get to that kitchen and I need to get there soon. I crawled.......actually crawled through and finally found my saviour....which was about 49 litres of tap water. The first glass seemed to be soaked straight in my system via my tongue....as did glass 2, 3 and 4 but by glass 5 my mouth had seemingly found hydration again but the banging in my head was getting worse.

Problem 2 – NO PAINKILLERS!! Oh what fresh hell is this!??? As any Boots advert will tell you....all girls are prepared with pain killers but for some reason I was out....this only lead to one thing.......toast! It was medicinal and the only way I could see of getting vertical.

So I made toast...I made tea and headed for the sofa. I repeated this around lunchtime....cheese on toast this time and more tea.

I watched some appalling TV and then remembered....my car! It’s still at the bloody hotel....so I drag my sorry carcass to the shower...ring my partner in crime from the night before and we head off, hoping the influence of alcohol had worn off enough for the driving (I was ok...this was about 4pm).

I get home....having stopped off for some Pepsi Max and more carb therapy, get home and settle in for a night of Downton Abbey (hurrah), carb medication and self hatred!

I awoke this morning with something resembling a head back....only now I just felt sick from the sugar kicks and an over-whelming urgh to stand on the scales but NO....once a week, on a Tuesday is the scale action I’ll be getting.

I have spent today purifying.....water, water, water and a chicken salad for luncheon, dinner out tonight but without the booze the resolve will remain intact. Fingers crossed that tomorrow won’t be as hideous I think.

Things I have learnt this weekend.

1 – I have the best taste in drinking buddies
2 – Vino Blanco, Tinto and champagne do not make the best playmates
3 – Moderation is a word I do not understand.
4 – I will do it all again soon! (I never learn)

Anon Pickles xx