So here’s the thing! I’m feeling an abject failure at my inability to lose weight and it’s not like I’ve only got a stone to lose...try 5. This should be relatively easy right. Sensible eating and exercise should do this. Only it’s not as easy, if it was there wouldn’t any fatties and we wouldn’t be having this discussion.
There is a load of head stuff going on that prevents, nay stops weight loss when it comes to me (actually a lot of overweight people will tell you there’s more going on that simply just eating too much). The only problem I have is that I don’t know what it is...the head stuff I mean.
I had an idyllic childhood, my parents were and still are the best people in the world, they have loved and supported me no matter what, they have never made me feel like I was anything but amazing. I grew up in a happy household, never had too much or too little, a village life that was straight from the pages of Enid Blyton. I had lots of friends, most of which I’m still friends with now...never bullied for being on the porky side, in fact I’ve never knowingly had any negativity towards me because of my weight (of course what said behind ones back....who cares!) but I still have this HUGE issue about weight. It’s painful to admit but it held me back from so much and still does.
I read somewhere that it helps to write down what you want from weight loss (a bit like the mental image from my last post) so I have thought about this for a few days and collected some thoughts together and prepared my ‘stakes’. Some are no brainers, some were more difficult to think about but I have to be honest about it. Writing this down makes it more real as opposed to just my mental thoughts in my head.
So here goes:
· I want to be happy with photos taken of me. I spend 95% of my time untagging myself from FB photos (vain vain I know!)
· I want to never worry about chairs with arms & airline belts
· I would like to be able to put on tights without blacking out from the excursion! (This is pretty comic really, hoping round the bedroom on one leg....trapped!)
· Three words – KNEE HIGH BOOTS, if only I could find some that fit my massive claves but tiny, tiny feet!
· Another word - Jeans. I want to look good in jeans, to be able to buy a pair that suits rather than ‘just fits’
· I want to be in control of food
· I want to stop feeling like a FAT person first and ME second in every situation
· I want to stop walking past a shop window and thinking ‘blimey, hello lardy’ and realising its me – DOOM!
· I want to improve my health and not to have a heart rate of 120 when all I’ve done is unloaded the washing machine (ok, slight exaggeration!)
· I want to be confident – Not the fakey confidence I currently hide behind
· (Arrgh hard one!) I want to start a new relationship. Single for 4 years since I was last slimmer in fact. I have become invisible!
· Finally I want to stop thinking about being fat and losing weight constantly and kicking myself in the head when I fail!
Ok, so not pretty and I really think this stuff. Hideous....like I said, I have no idea where the self loathing comes from?
Still trying to get back on the diet track, the cold hasn’t helped but I know I REALLY want to do this.
Having dinner with the girls on Saturday eve. Main topic of conversation will be the upcoming wedding for L for whom I’m a bridesmaid. She has just announced her intention of a tone up (lucky cow.....not as if she even needs it! Ha) so I will fall on her mercy and suggest we do something together, I think I need an exercise director and she’s nothing if not pushy that one! The beast!!
Anyway......I have a half day so I’m off. Have a great weekend Pickles and sorry for the lack of funnies here. I just need to get it down.
xx
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